Writing Your Vows
Photo credit Gabriella Katalin Photography
A majority of our clients feel strongly about including personalized vows into their ceremony. After all, the ceremony is the reason for all of the planning. Taking the time to write something special is the ultimate way to honor the celebration and make it uniquely your own. With that being said, beginning to write your wedding vows is a struggle we see almost all of our clients experience at some point in the planning process.
To make the “Getting Started” part a little less painful, we’ve interviewed two of our favorite professional officiants to get their best advice.
When To Start
DJ/MC and Officiant Crichton Uale, the owner of Kani Events (formerly known as the Perfect Wedding DJs) shares his thoughts on when to begin writing:
“Each individual is different, so each individual should consider their writing style when deciding on a timeline. However, I do think it’s a valuable practice to write out a draft and let it sit for a few days or even weeks and then look back at it. If it still looks great, you’re good to go. If it doesn’t feel right, you’ll want to give yourself time to make edits. I would even use a trusted friend or family member for feedback, which should also be factored into your timeline”
Tips For Getting Started
The best thing you can do when starting to write your vows (or anything for that matter), is to create an outline. Think back to your 5th grade class when you first learned to write an essay. The topic of your vows is evident, but what will the body consist of? The easiest thing to do is to come up with three sections or topics as a couple. That way your vows will have a complementary structure and agreed upon theme.
Photo credit Andria Lindquist Photography
Here is our own vow outline cheat sheet:
Past
We’ve found that starting with the past is always a good idea. You can talk a bit about the specifics of how you met or when you fell in love. Not only does it make the ceremony more personal and educate your guests on your love story, but it is also a lovely way to re-evoke the feelings you had for your partner when you first met. Depending on your personality, this may be a good place to include some humorous stories or inside jokes.
Present
In the next section, you can transition into the present. This is a perfect place to talk about what you love about your partner and your relationship together now. Articulating specifically what you love about your partner is always one of the sweetest parts of any ceremony. Honoring how much you’ve grown as a couple is also a beautiful way to celebrate where you are now.
Future
The final section of your vows is best reserved for the part where you state your hopes and dreams for the future. Aside from painting a picture of your future together, you may also want to include some promises. We always love when our clients incorporate some genuine and serious vows as well as some humorous ones.
Length of Your Vows
Photo credit Christie Pham
Aside from deciding on an outline together, it is also a good idea to agree on the length of your vows. No one wants to get to the altar and find out their 3 paragraph vows are being overshadowed by 10 pages of vows from their partner.
Some ideas for setting the general length include:
Get custom vow booklets to write your vows in. Perhaps agree on a certain number of pages you will both use.
Set an agreed upon length of time for your vows. Some people want them to be short and sweet (1-2 minutes each) others want them to be the bulk of the ceremony (5-7 minutes each).
Agree to an approximate word count.
With the length of wedding vows in mind, Stephanie Hughes, the owner of Knots and Shots Hawaii shared a funny story with us:
My absolute favorite personal vow story was a groom who stapled like 100 pages together, creating a large scroll. He didn’t tell anyone that he did this, including me. So he began reading his vows which were about two paragraphs in length, and as he read, he paused, and let the scroll roll half way down the aisle. When I looked up at the bride her eyes were huge as were mine! There was an uproar of laughter for what seemed like 5 minutes. Even the bride took a while to regain composure. It was really awesome.
Photo credit Sarah Jual Photography
Memorizing Vows Versus Reading Vows
Crichton Uale shares his thoughts:
I’m going to sound like a broken record, but, in my honest opinion, every individual should use an approach that fits their style. If you have successfully memorized and then performed monologues or speeches in the past, go for it. If not, the emotional density of a wedding is not the time to give it a try. So for most people, I would say read your vows but DEFINITELY practice reading them with a trusted family friend or family member. Make sure you pause in the appropriate areas and be sure to make eye contact with your partner, as often as you can.
Stephanie Hughes argues against memorizing vows:
She says that the nerves are already so high when the couple is standing up the altar. More often than not, when a person attempts to memorize their vows, they end up feeling on the spot, forgetting their words and improvising a little too much. In the end it is less eloquent and less touching.
With that being said, when clients are adamant, she encourages them to send her a copy of the vows as a back up just in case. That way, worse case scenario, she can have them available in a pinch.
Here is our two cents. Whatever you DO choose, it is important for you to consider two things:
1. Are you a natural public speaker?
2. How do you want to feel during your ceremony?
Thinking about these things in advance will help you to choose what is best for you.
Getting Feedback
The final step is asking one trusted person (your officiant, your planner, or a close mutual friend) to review both sets of vows and privately share their feedback with each party. This way you can still keep them a secret from each other, but you won’t have any unpleasant surprises during the ceremony.
As planners, we’ve done this for many of our clients and 95% of the time, they are perfect. The other 5% of the time we usually suggest adding an additional section to have a complementary theme that is already included in the other partner’s vows. The idea is not to spell check or edit grammar (we want your vows to be in YOUR voice). Instead we are trying to help you match the length and/or to assist in creating a more well rounded set of vows to compliment your partner’s vows.
Examples of Awesome Vows from Past Weddings
Here are some of our favorite wedding vows that were captured on video:
Additional Tips
Crichton has also provided us with additional tips after having officiant as many weddings as he has! He did preface that there are exceptions where some of these things have worked, but for the most part he recommends avoiding the following:
Giving a full timeline of the day you two met until now (just focus on two or three highlights).
Too many stories (2-3 is good).
Any mention of past relationships.
Embarrassing your partner. Make sure if you’re going to poke fun that it isn’t something your partner will feel humiliated about in front of that crowd.
Repetitive speech. It’s better to be concise than to go on and on, essentially saying the same thing.
Photo credit Megan Moura Photography
He does recommend the following:
Find a good balance between light/fun with heartfelt/emotional.
Be yourself. Just because you may have seen a video of someone else’s vows that you liked a lot, doesn’t mean their style is going to work for you. If your humor is dry or sarcastic, stick to that. Your guests that know you and love you, want to see and hear YOU. And so does your partner.
Be flexible. If you have a feeling or thought come up before or during your vows, it’s ok to insert it. Just bc it wasn’t written down already doesn’t mean it should be ignored. Your intuition will help you speak naturally.
Focus on your partner. That is your priority and most important audience. Everyone else is just lucky to be witnesses to your vows.
With so much pressure to get them right, we know that writing your vows is a challenging task. With that being said, getting started is always the hardest part! We hope this simple guide will get you off on the right foot.
Best of luck and Happy Planning!
